Adrift

[tastes_of_honey]

Poor Ichigo needs to be protected from himself again. He doesn't know how fortunate he is that I've taken a charitable interest in him. Jessica Rabbit is convinced that I'm the decent sort of guy who cares more about a woman's brains than her bodacious body. Most of that is true. There's the possibility that blankets get a voyeuristic thrill from feeling the people under them. At least that's the impression I got from talking to Yarn. I rarely have yarn that answers back.

Hmmm.

Schu-Schu's been a bit unsteady lately, folks. Unanchored. You might have noticed or not. It's been a combination of a lot of things.

I'm not adjusting as quickly to the move to London as I should be. I dunno if it's from being old--in Eszett's reckoning I'm 33 now, not that I necessarily trust that--or from spending so much time in Japan in the last 11 years on and off. I got too acclimated to things and the culture and language and automatically standing out from the crowd when I let myself be visible. You know what an attention whore I can be. Sometimes I actually touch Aya or Ken's minds just to feel something more familiar. I mean, Ken? That's pathetic. I'm trying to keep it all from Brad but he sees it a bit so he's shifting back and forth from the stern asshole he used to be to the more concerned partner he's had to become to keep me around, and it's freaking both of us out. My Nagi wanted to show up to help me out, but he'd be a familiar taste to hide in right now, and I have to be more ruthless with myself.

Farf hasn't been around much. I really should have expected that, considering. It's not his fault.

I met killwithmymind's Schuldig, who has really been a gigantic disappointment. I know he's much younger but fuck I am sure I wasn't that dumb. There's just no way.

And then there's London Aya, who's kind of a positive but still mindbreaking thing. I kept my promise that I wouldn't pounce him, but I ended up meeting him on a job anyway. It turns out that we were both paid to terminate a serial killer preying on club folks. Nobody likes corpses near their venue. The perp had a taste for redheads, so I added more red as a temporary color to mine, dressed sluttier, and went where the flow took me. And found Aya, who was on a solo mission trying to be bait but wasn't looking hedonistic at all. In fact, he looked annoyed and like he'd rather be anywhere but here, even though he had dressed a bit clubby. His little psi thing helped him see me, though he didn't know that's what it was. It's no big thing since I was being more notice-me to get the sicko out for me. (Fucker! Preying on my people: the hedonists!) Aya was pissed off, but I went over and told him that, pretty as he was, he wouldn't draw the guy. He wasn't slutty enough for it. If he danced with me a bit, the two of us would have to get the asshole's attention. With the success of the mission at stake, he agreed to it.

At first he more circled me like he was looking for an opening to kill me, but he started to relax a bit the longer we did it, especially once his psi started to sync a bit with mine. Fuck, even his psi is lonely and looking for contact, even though it won't quite admit it. Aya was ripping himself up a bit with the wanting to let loose a little bit somewhere in his life warring against his natural distrust of people and experience in getting fucked over with no lube by life. Before he got too uncomfortable I let him know that we had the guy's full attention and could lead him away by leaving now.

We left with Aya walking almost close to me and him being frustrated by how he felt like he could almost trust me on this case. Guy came at us with what would have been a stealthy run if we weren't what we were. Aya turned to shoot but I did it first and faster, so his kill shot went through him about half a minute after mine. Aya was ready to kill me for poaching his kill, but I told him he could take it and I'd just tell my employers the truth that somebody had been on the bastard before me. You could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears and the "Does not compute" message. (I didn't need this kill anyway since we'd been here long enough to make our rep.)

He stared at me and I felt him working something through in his head so I already had some time to deal with my brain breaking before he actually asked if he had something like I had, the telepathy. Because he'd been feeling something that might be it lately. Well, blow me down. I told him that he did and that we could meet another time to talk about it because having a corpse nearby didn't allow for longish conversations, and he agreed to it. Maybe because I very carefully did not call it a date. I have some sense of discretion.

I had him meet me in a place in public so he wouldn't get as nervous about a trap and in a café where two guys sitting close together and being intense about it wouldn't be as noticeable and where we could sit without being hustled to leave it. We didn't sit across from each other because we both wanted to sit with our backs to the wall and a view of the door. Most people had no idea what that was about.

I let him know that he had some psi, a little bit of telepathy. He told me that he'd thought it might be because he'd been hearing fragments of things that no one seemed to be saying aloud. Mostly mean, unedited stuff but he hadn't realized that about the unedited, just figuring that people were like that. Just like the first time I recently saw him, his psi reached out for me a bit and I reached back, but this time it didn't flee. It really was small, but the small talents get screwed up the worst sometimes just because they don't get the grand, obvious announcement of "Hey, you're a freak!" He didn't have anything that announced itself the last time I saw him years ago. Maybe it had been even smaller then. Maybe the sheer fucked-uppedness of that school shit that went down and losing Yohji and Weiß self-destructing had provided enough additional trauma to bring it out. Trauma can do that to some people.

The whole Yohji thing had broken him apart. He had some thing going with Ken now but it wasn't a relationship, just some physical comfort. Ken knew it and didn't mind because he knew why. That slight, pleasant Stepford smile Aya put on his mouth and eyes prevented anyone who didn't know him well from asking or worrying about him. Aya had finally realized that being the sullen mystery man of few words just piqued people's interest. I should have been feeling smug but I just felt... pity, which he would still hate me for if he knew. It was such a fucking waste.

I told him that non-Eszett people are out there looking for people like us, which didn't surprise him at all. I touched his face--something he allowed me--and showed him how to start shielding. His face lit up a little as a headache he'd had for so long he'd stopped consciously noticing it went away. I told you, small talents can sometimes have it the worst. I told him that he should work on that on his own for a bit, then come back to me for more training. He said he would and... thanked me, his expression almost soft and almost smiling for real a little, and we had something you might almost call a Moment. Then he recovered himself a bit, tossed down some money for his coffee, and left, though I saw him give me one last look before he went out the door.

So he kinda likes me! He wants me to train him!

...and I'm having a crisis of faith in myself.

I hate humanity. I'm a sadist. I only get even a bit squishy about My Own. For years my favorite hobby was tormenting the kittens--all of them, Aya included--but right now I don't even want to fuck with dumb Ken's head. It seems kind of... dumb. Done. Fuck, I don't know.

I can't go soft. I can't. You get soft, you get complacent, you get useless and dead.

Though I may fuck over Chloe's head since Aya thinks he's a racist asshole.

Comments

[killwithmymind.livejournal.com]

"You can hate humanity without going out of your way to fuck over everyone who crosses your path." The look on the icon? That's the look Schu's getting now.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Fucking everyone over is my schtick! If I start discriminating now, how much lower will I go?

::Schu gives your icon look the one-finger salute, because he really does feel screwed up right now, kthanx.::

[killwithmymind.livejournal.com]

Nagi rolls his eyes. "You've always discriminated. Or mine has. He always picks the ones that will be the most interesting to mess with. You've got to be a little discriminating. You don't have enough hours in the day to really fuck over every person you see.

"And with what you've said about Aya, fixing him will be way the fuck more challenging and interesting than breaking him."

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but now I'm passing up some of the most interesting ones.

I know, I said that about Aya in the past, but then I didn't have this sudden fucking good will to more members of humanity to make it look suspect. I have too many things wrong with me.

[killwithmymind.livejournal.com]

"So your taste could be changing. There's this thing called growing up, and it even happens to the best of us. Or maybe it's been too long since your really went out and played like the evil bastard you are.

"Fuck, maybe you're resonating with my Schu somehow. He's been a little... shit, I dunno, off since coming to the Nexus. Coulda been the fall, could be the Nexus." Nagi's trying not to think that it could be that chip issue. He doesn't think he's ready to deal with it.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Sure. Ask.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

::Yeah. The mind is an erogenous zone too. You could make people feel as if you're actually touching them, and they'll respond accordingly. Or you could just kind of... stroke their minds. Pure sensation.::

::I find it almost impossible to have even regular sex without getting even more revved up by what my partner's feeling and feeding back what I'm feeling, which makes them get hotter, etc. in a kind of loop.::

[man-of-means.livejournal.com]

That kid's kinda' easy to rile, ain't he?

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Yep, Ichigo makes his own gravy. All you have to do is poke him the tiniest bit and he's flying. I have loads of energy and watching him still makes me feel exhausted.

Your reboot seems to be treating you well.

[man-of-means.livejournal.com]

Poor kid.

Yeah, I have my shield back! I feel...I dunno', more complete. Like I have an integral part of myself back.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Really. Going out into the Nexus screaming out about why sex is so important to everybody is an equivalent to walking out there with a big "EAT ME" sign on.

He'll either grow out of the overexcited, flaily thing or burn out big time. I keep telling him he should calm down or meditate or something, but he just gets defensive.

I get that. It's a big part of who you are and how you do it. I felt like I was losing my mind the few times I had my telepathy completely blocked off.

[cursed-bird.livejournal.com]

::from very far away::

::Pretty? From Hell's black heart, ye bastard, I stab at thee Pretty? Ye feel off, love. I can't fragrant offering and a sacrifice of falsehood and deceit Taste of kitten and remorse, it doesn't suit ye, why...?::

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

::You sound a little more discombobulated than I feel.::

::Maybe because he's familiar when so little else in London is? I dunno.::

[cursed-bird.livejournal.com]

::Ye've a new toy in the old, but ye fear to break him? Ye behold how the blood of the covenant Sympathy for those ye tread upon, don't take their little pains gnaw your tongue and cry to Heaven all Lost and blind, do ye need any--::

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

::It's always easier to break things. You know that, sweet. Once the toy is broken badly enough, there's no more fun in the play.::

::Farf feels like a vortex, like he's howling into the heart of a tornado....::

::There are a lot of things I need. What do you need, Farf?::

[fool-rushing-in.livejournal.com]

. . . . .

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Yes, sweetie?

[fool-rushing-in.livejournal.com]

Don't call me sweetie, and I don't need saving from myself.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

::flashes a charming smile:: So when are you going to get around to doing it, kitten tits?

[just-a-murder.livejournal.com]

Once again I have to ask you about your intentions toward my alternate. They sound good so far, but I'm not sure if you can stay that course.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

My intentions are good. I want to fix his problem, not break him. Shit, look at the depths I've fallen to.

[just-a-murder.livejournal.com]

Somehow "Shit, look at the depths I've fallen to" fails to reassure me. You've done a lot of good things for me and I appreciate them. I just... don't want you to fall into an old default setting while around him. I feel protective.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

I really am keeping it in mind. Don't worry so much.