tastes_of_honey | "I don't wanna be your friend...."

*It's simply amazing how much mention of Dr. Crane closes up Dick's expression.*

I wasn't aware you and Crane knew each other. It's... nice to be likeable, though.

Yes, and puppies and kittens are cute.

I talk to a lot of different people, though in his case it was 98.6% written correspondence so I was talking blindfolded and with earplugs in. I haven't heard from him since that thing with Verbal. The philosophy and literature discussions were interesting, but I don't think we're a good match for friendship.

Dr. Crane has... he just doesn't grasp it. Unlike a lot of people, though, he doesn't quite grasp that he doesn't grasp it.

Also, he threatened Bruce. So he's currently not very high on my favorite people list.

Understandable.

The guy's mind is like a merry-go-round set to a scary soundtrack, repetitive circling. The time I met him I had to keep stopping him from mentally flying off the handle.

I met him when I responded to his personals ad like a penpal. He was looking for romance with a woman--which heh, is not me--but he sounded like a guy trying to transform himself. Plus, I was seriously burnt out on my own circle of Nexus friends at the time because most of them were being asses. Plus plus, my psycho ex-boyfriend gave one of the Nexus Scarecrows the specs on how my telepathy worked and that Scarecrow took off to do who knows what, so I was trying to get a feel for how Scarecrows think.

...It's good that he tried to reach out for a relationship- it says to me that he understands he needs that in his life- and that it's not a one-off deal.

He's not right, man. The tricky part with him is that he doesn't grasp that he's repeating the same behavior that didn't work, over and over. It's someone else's fault if doing the same thing doesn't work, the second time, for the same reasons it didn't work the first time.
After kidnapping me and feargassing me so thoroughly that he got me remembering something... I'd chosen to forget?
If he threatens Bruce again, I'm going to forget I'm a hero. And after that, he's never going to forget that I can forget.

I'd say you're accurate, though I appreciate his point that criminals attempting to reform could really use a support network and positive reinforcement to make the transition from figure of illicit power to law-abiding civilian. He needs to take charge of himself more. We're at dinner and he's thinking, "I want people to fear me!" and I'm asking him if he wouldn't actually prefer dessert instead. I felt a bit like I was babysitting a psychotic kid, which I admit is something I've had past experience in. It was disappointing, especially since he's fine with telepathy. He really liked it when I let him feel what it's like to fly like a bird.

He definitely has a very good point there- I'm pretty sure I've tried to let him know I agree with that point. It's hard to move into a new role in life when you're quite used to another one.

...you can let someone feel what it feels like to fly like a bird? That would be pretty awesome.
*memories of being a child, of letting go of mother's hands, doing a double backflip and then being caught by father's hands, cross his mind*

Especially when your old one made you feel powerful and special and your new one helpless and chained by rules.

He was getting really sulky, so I started feeding him silly images of gingerbread men and candy knights that ended up turning to rock candy dragons and birds. Not many people do that well that fast on meeting my images with other images, and it was fun to play. Being a bird really seemed to make him happy and chill so I kept him in it for a while.

It is awesome. ::smiles at the memories:: I hitched mental rides on birds sometimes when I was stressed or overwhelmed by people, particularly in Tokyo, which is cram packed with human minds. It's hard to remember to come back sometimes though.

I bet that it would be hard to remember to come back...

He has an affection for birds. I. When. He.. when I was chained in his basement he. He made me remember--

*JERK of change in persona, quite abrupt, quite sudden; the internal monologue is entirely a different voice*
He made me remember what Joker did to me. And then he tried to punish me with- with turning crows loose on me.
He made me kill the birds.
It was him.
HE did it.

...oi. He is a very bad man. ::Though this explains some things.::

Is there something I could do for you?

That depends.
What do you want out of it?

I want things to get to a point where when I talk to your body the whole conversation is spent talking to the same person.

You are already. ...aren't you? It's- some of me gets to be carefree and irresponsible and belong. Some of me is strong.

Both parts don't really- fit. In the same situation.

Not really. Sudden razor-sharp shifts in mood and voice are not usual. It's kind of déclassé too. I'm a gestalt, and I know people get suspicious over stuff like that. You sure as hell won't blend in doing it.

Why not?

*tone of voice shifts back a bit- Jonathan, the birds, they've been off the table long enough that it's probably safe* Bruce... he gets worried when I 'crank it up'. The first time we, uhm. Were together, I tried to sort of wrestle with him, just sort of sparring, right? And he- I thought. He looked just like, like Bruce back home when.
The last time I saw him.

It was pretty clear that's not welcome.

...I know you're not going to like my opinion on this, but either you're so worried that he'll kick you out like your reality's Bruce so stupidly did that you're oversensitive, or your current Bruce needs his head kicked in if he actually does need you to be weak. You're making yourself schizoid for this guy. Eventually you're not going to be you.

...it's probably me.

Somebody who would want you to tear yourself apart for him isn't in love with you. Do you really think that's Bruce?

...but, I can make him happy. He's pleased with me.
I, he's pleased because what I'm doing is right.

*Knowing what he did was right is a rare experience, to go off how that statement feels inside his head*

I'm missing you already.

--I haven't... I didn't- I.

*another jolt of transition, there- apparently pushing too hard is a little too scary. ...has Schu seen Dick around the Nexus for a good while, really- or has it been this persona- this one who associates itself far more with the domino and the stripey pyjamas?*

You could be a LITTLE nicer about the point you're trying to make, you know. You say sharp transitions aren't 'polite'- is scaring the shit out of people polite?

Sharp transition? I've tried and tried and had long conversations with various parts of you about this. I've couched things in the politest way possible. Ain't working. I'm getting tired of moving my jaw uselessly on the issue as he keeps sliding downhill.

And you know what? It's the truth. People change, but this hasn't been a positive change. I miss the person I used to talk to, and it looks like it'll just get worse from here. Maybe Bruce likes his partners weak or maybe not--I can only go on what I've been told of him--but I like my friends with their spines intact. The weak get ground up and devoured. Hearing someone I talk to sound like he wouldn't mind that turns my stomach.

So you never had the feeling you'd give up whatever it took to accomplish a goal? To feel safe- wanted?

I have. I nearly got myself killed to gain my freedom. I worked for horrible, abusive people I hated for years looking toward that day when we could bring it all tumbling down. I let a fat old man I could have killed in seconds beat me about the head with a golf club because it was necessary to achieve our goals.

But what kind of "safety" is it you have if you destroyed yourself to get it? How can you feel truly wanted if you had to become someone different to maintain it? In my analysis, that makes it false safety and a false sense of being wanted. And can you really say you feel safe when you spend so much time obsessing over whether you've just done something that will make him kick you out the door?

Here, the dubious benefits are not worth the cost. That's the difference.

...

...but- he needs me. Not just like that, he needs someone to watch his back. He needs someone who can keep him safe from falling into the shadow with Jonathan. And he doesn't want to become Batman.
That means he needs something he can call his own. That's what he wants and that isn't dead and gone.

I do see your point. I'm just not sure you're seeing all the pieces of the puzzle.

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