The Blessings of the Ceiling Cat

[tastes_of_honey]

Welcome to the horror that is The LOLcat Bible. The really terrifying thing is that my brain reads it all in Cartman's voice. Lo, here is some of Ezekiel 23:

Skanks

1 An Ceiling Cat keep speekin to me: 2 U kno thoes two cats over dere? Theyr momma dun kno who iz baby daddy. 3 An they iz both... SLUTS! Peepls from south tuched their butts. An other stuff. An they likd it 4 an the cats has weerd namez an makes the baybees like doll factoreez.

If that wasn't enough, have Song of Solomon 8:

Beloved

1 I wish u wer mai bruthr,
 so we cud hav hawt cestuous makeoutz
 in frunt of ppl.
 thats not weird, iz it?
2 Plus we cud be in saem howse,
 drinkin mai winez and joose and cookies.
3 hugz!
4 but srsly, doters of jeroosalem,
 dun wake luv up early ok
 it r cranky late sleeper kthx.

Friends

5 ho is in r dezert
 leanin on boykittyfrenz?

Beloved

no iz in dezert silly. iz undr appl tree.
 ur mom lieks appl tree to.
 iz very populer tree.
 lots of babies borning an stuff.
 dey shud cleen there moar.
6 i has a bucket.
 bucket iz ur hart.
 bucket iz also on fire an ded and stuffs.
 but iz stil gud bucket.
7 luv gets put in sink but iznt drownded.
 also u cant buy it sry

Friends

8 ok so like we hav this sistr
 ho isnt growned up an sexy yet.
 wut do we do with sistr?
9 we dres her up all prty
 an maek lolicon 4 internets!

Beloved

10 ho carez? i has boobies.
 boykittyfriend lieks them.
11 solomon has a vinyard in sum hard to spel plaec.
 tenants can has solomon's vinyard.
 he gets moneys when fruitz get ated.
12 i has a vinyard too!
 solomon can has mai vinyard an moneys.
 he is gud boykittyfriend.
 guys dat tend the vinyard get moneys too i guess.

Lover

13 wai u spendin all ur time
 in garden w/frends?
 i can has ur voice?
 i mean not like takin ur actual voice or nething but, like, talking an singing an stuffs. yodeling b ok 2.

Beloved

14 kk lets go 2 mountains
 an b deers an gazels.

My brain hurts. Those cells are never gonna come back to life.

Comments

[campjesus]

lolz omg i laughed so hard i think i peed a little.
(revelations is a lot less horrifying with the word "cheezburger" in it.)

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

The buckets help too. Ceiling Cat is bountiful!

[campjesus]

ceiling cat delivers! but he needs to stop watching me masturbate.
(no kitty, you can't have any apple of knowledge of good and evil! goddammit kitty this is my apple of knowledge of good and evil!!!)

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

I doubt it'll happen. Ceiling Cat enjoys watching people masturbate.

[dimension-bitch.livejournal.com]

You need to get a last name and another one besides Schuldig so that I can call you those when you've been a naughty boy.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

But having one name is my cunning plan so you can't!

[dimension-bitch.livejournal.com]

I'll find a way to embarrass you yet, villain!

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Good luck, sweet. Surely you realize how difficult it is to embarrass me.

[dimension-bitch.livejournal.com]

I do, but I like a challenge.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Enjoy me!

[dimension-bitch.livejournal.com]

Oh, when don't I?

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

True, but I thought you might like to know I thoroughly approve it.

[al-notfullmetal.livejournal.com]

SOMEBODY SAID CATS AGOJEAOEAjeaiogjeoaeaGOIJEA WHAT DID I MISS-

...

What? *shifty look*

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Boykittyfriend! ::glomp!!::

[al-notfullmetal.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, hello. *hugs back~*

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

It's been ages. You've missed lots.

[al-notfullmetal.livejournal.com]

I was busy! And lacking in any means to visit with the Nexus. I WAS SAD.

So, I guess... how are you?

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

As you should have been!

I have two major Nexus things I have to wait on, which sucks, but I'm done mourning a team member and my team leader's been better to me lately, so things are on the uptick. Christmas is a great time workwise with families making people insane and all the debts running up. I'm fairly happy. I'm not being all that evil to people in the Nexus.

How about you, Zaubermaus?

[al-notfullmetal.livejournal.com]

I'm here now though! Somehow. ...I'm not entirely sure how. ...Nexus LOL, eh. At least I was dropped off in familiar territory.

I am glad you're being less evil. I was worried all the trouble you'd get up to. Sorry to hear about the suck, though. *another hug!* I would have been around to soothe if I could've.

Me, I'm... I'm doing all right. Nii-san and I keep busy. Nothing too dramatic. Science and local politics and travelling, mostly. Only the politics ever gets troublesome.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Trouble? Me? Nein!

Thanks. I've had some very rough patches. ::hug!::

Politics are always troublesome. They never get less so.

[al-notfullmetal.livejournal.com]

Schuldig, trouble? More like JA, I should say.

*worries over* But you're doing okay now?

This is irritating, but true. Sometimes I wonder why anyone bothers.

[tastes-of-honey.livejournal.com]

Well, I expect my ex to return to his own ways any time now, and I'm at Nagi's beck and call when the time comes to get the group together to rescue Yohji, but I'm mostly doing okay.

The more people you have to organize, the more complicated and stupid things get. But sometimes you need those numbers to get things done.